Over the next several years, I continued to self-destruct and was unable to connect with a new therapist…and man I tried! I read through books upon books of self-help guidance. I even went through hypnotherapy and to no avail this was too an epic fail.
Frustrated and stuck in a life that was simply going nowhere, I began to explore different ways to drown out the unwanted feelings. I went from shy and withdrawn to drunk and outspoken. Going to the bars, dancing, partying; anything was better than being home. I lost myself trying to find “me” through everyone else. I yearned for love and acceptance and discovered I could temporarily find this in the arms of other men, or so I thought. It was an escape.
I drank my nights away and brought in the mornings with regret and shame. Obviously didn’t care enough to quit. I was on a war path screaming to be heard! The odd thing is when I stopped screaming and listened to the echoes that bounced in-between, nothing seemed to escape my mouth but a montage of manipulation to twist things to make it less than what it seemed.
My life was spinning out of control. One counselor after another, I came and told my story. Each time it got a little easier until there was no emotion at all. Words flowed from my mouth as if I was telling someone else’s story. I learned quickly how and why it was that my body became another’s’ playground. I had no self-worth. It was taken from me as a little girl and my innocence; a memory of blurred vision before the age of three.