Tag: #self-destruction

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Over the next several years, I continued to self-destruct and was unable to connect with a new therapist…and man I tried!  I read through books upon books of self-help guidance.  I even went through hypnotherapy and to no avail this was too an epic fail.

Frustrated and stuck in a life that was simply going nowhere, I began to explore different ways to drown out the unwanted feelings.  I went from shy and withdrawn to drunk and outspoken.  Going to the bars, dancing, partying; anything was better than being home.  I lost myself trying to find “me” through everyone else.  I yearned for love and acceptance and discovered I could temporarily find this in the arms of other men, or so I thought.  It was an escape.

I drank my nights away and brought in the mornings with regret and shame.  Obviously didn’t care enough to quit.  I was on a war path screaming to be heard!  The odd thing is when I stopped screaming and listened to the echoes that bounced in-between, nothing seemed to escape my mouth but a montage of manipulation to twist things to make it less than what it seemed.

My life was spinning out of control.  One counselor after another, I came and told my story.  Each time it got a little easier until there was no emotion at all.  Words flowed from my mouth as if I was telling someone else’s story.  I learned quickly how and why it was that my body became another’s’ playground.  I had no self-worth.  It was taken from me as a little girl and my innocence; a memory of blurred vision before the age of three.

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