The sexual abuse started when I was just three years old and continued until I turned nine. I lived with this secret until I approached adulthood and my life really started to unravel.
The event in my life that lead me to counseling and the ‘secret’ to come out was one of the most painful in my life to this day.
I have never written about or spoke of it outside of my immediate family until now … It was Winter of 1986. I got the news. My heart sunk and I thought to myself how, why, this can’t be happening to me.
The words he spoke to me as I told him the news stunted my growth and broke me within. I will never forget him telling me, “if you do this, you are on your own and I will leave”. I felt so alone. I was scared, sixteen and couldn’t bear the thought of doing this without him.
That day changed my life and forever isn’t strong enough to take away the pain I endured or the destruction of life as it was for me.
My mom … I thought she would pick me up off the floor and assure me that everything was going to be ok. I was wrong. I couldn’t understand how she turned me away. I was her daughter; for God’s sake she knew what I was going through. It didn’t matter. She told me what I had to do.
I remember the weeks following, how alone and confused I felt. I didn’t understand what was going on with my body, let alone the tragedy I was about to undertake.
The morning of the scheduled surgery, he never showed. Mom drove me to the hospital and said this is for the best. I cried not understanding why and what did this mean?
I prayed and hoped he would walk through the waiting room doors, but he never did. Alone, with my mother who seemingly pushed this aside.
No one could prepare me for what was to come.
Waking up from anesthesia, throwing up chewed up bits of hot dog, and sweating in a sterile room with no one around. I just sat there naked and afraid not realizing the mistake I just made would haunt me for the rest of my life.
I couldn’t wrap my arms around the emptiness I felt or why. It felt like a gaping hole was left for all to see. But this was my secret now and I had to figure it. The pain was destroying me and the self-hatred crept in. I couldn’t see the world for what it was supposed to be but only for manipulation, fault and no place for me.
My life seemed consumed with lies and secrets and how was I to cope. Walking the halls of my high school hearing the chattering of familiar faces but hearing really nothing at all. Depression set in and the suicidal thoughts followed suite.
This is when Linda came to be and started to help me sort this all out … Linda was the beginning of psychological treatment and the start of unraveling a life of a complicated fucked up mess.